Star Tribune from Minneapolis, Minnesota • Page 37

TUESDAY, JUNE 6 1995 VALUES BELIEFS STAR TRIBUNE PAGE E3 Briefs Scandals erode followers' trust Sharing grief "In our cultural past, well-bred, well-mannered people were never supposed to discuss grief IZereavement "Rather than come forward their behaviorgoes underground and gets worse. They keep trying to present a holy view of themselves, when what is really going on is further removed from their public presentation." Anne Cushman, editor of Yoga Journal Happiness is savoring what we have -not pining for what we lack ByJann Mitchell The Oregonian When we finally buy a house, I'll be happy. If my boss would just get off my back, work would be enjoyable. If only my sweetie lost weight learned to dance appreciated me more, home life would be sweeter. Funny how we put happiness on hold with such statements.

Not really funny, but sad. But it's certainly not surprising. So much in our culture encourages us to buy the myth that more means happiness. That situations aren't OK unless they are perfect. That any kind of negative emotion is to be avoided at all costs.

Therapist Timothy Miller expands on the problem in "How to Want What You Have: Discovering the Magic and Grandeur of Everyday Existence" (Henry Holt; $19.95 hardback, $9.95 paperback). He got into the notion when he got scared. Here he was, making more money than he ever had, being more successful, making his dreams come true and still looking for that elusive, magical "more." "I was scared that I'd spend the rest of my life as a seeker, and never be a finder," Miller says. Many of us can identify with that. Miller noticed that many people seek therapy because of what he calls "disappointed entitlement." That's the feeling that fate has snatched from us our due.

"If failure isn't the route to happiness and neither is success, what's it leave?" Miller asks. "It leaves enhancing your own capacity for acceptance, contentment and generosity." Deep down, we know that. 'Yet the entire advertising industry is a conspiracy to convince us that happiness is just one purchase away," Miller says. But he adds that human nature is the real problem. We're naturally greedy.

That trait once served us well; it helped our ancestors survive and reproduce. However, he points out, the problem now is not physical survival, but emotional and spiritual survival. And there's no built-in mechanism that lets us know we have enough. What once helped us, now harms us. And so we must learn to be content with what we have: the imperfect spouse, the not-so-large home, even the traffic jam.

The keys, Miller says, are compassion, attention and gratitude. When we realize that all people want the same things, and that bad happens to everyone at some time, we can get past the feeling that we alone are entitled to the good stuff. If we pay attention to what's right instead of what's wrong, we can appreciate what's already under our noses and live in the moment. We can forgo unnecessary value judgments. As we give thanks for the good, we feel a sense of happiness for what is, not for what could be, should be, might be.

Distributed by Newhouse News Service. By Pythla Peay Religion Neius Service For centuries, neophytes on the spiritual path have sought guidance from those wiser than themselves. But scandals of sexual misconduct have eroded the trust in the time-honored relationship between teacher and student. Episcopalians in Massachusetts were shocked recently by the suicide of a bishop and the disclosure that he had been involved in numerous extramarital affairs. In Maryland, four Roman Catholic priests stand accused of child sexual abuse.

Buddhists and New Age believers also have been disillusioned by instances or charges of sexual misconduct by their spiritual guides. Yogi Amrit Desai, spiritual leader of the Kripalu Center, an ashram in Massachusetts, recently admitted to sexual misconduct with several female students. In California, Buddhist leader Sogyal Rin-poche, who gained fame as an authority on the Tibetan Book of the Dead, is being sued by a former student who accused him of sexual misconduct while she was grieving over the death of her father. The faithful suffer Regardless of their religious tradition, the faithful are suffering disillusionment at the behavior of their spiritual guides. As a result of such abuses of power, new questions are being raised about the student -teacher relationship.

What are the proper boundaries of a teacher's authority? When is it more appropriate to trust your instincts rather than blindly follow the directions of a spiritual authority? Such questioning is healthy, says Anne Cushman, editor of Yoga Journal. Cushman says the magazine regularly receives letters from disaffected students who have discovered their spiritual leaders are not paragons of virtue. But from their disillusionment, Cushman says, new forms of spiritual leadership may emerge. For the practitioners of many Eastern religions, the guidance of a spiritual teacher is essential, for only a teacher intimately acquaint- religious organizations are complex. J.

Wesley Boyd, lecturer in religion and psychology at Harvard Divinity School, says some religious leaders come to believe in the power and omnipotence projected onto them by their followers. They expect gratification of all their needs, including their sexual desires. Religious leaders of all faiths must assume greater accountability for their actions. Yet it is also important for both Western and Eastern spiritual traditions to examine beliefs that have placed god-like expectations on religious leaders who are merely human. Many congregants, says Boyd, "want their officials to be otherworldly and nonbodily." Cushman agrees, pointing to the tendency in some spiritual systems to make sex "wrong and bad." This sets up a rigid system that makes it difficult for teachers to admit their mistakes.

"Rather than come forward," says Cushman, "their behavior goes underground and gets worse. They keep trying to present a holy view of themselves, when what is really going on is further removed from their public presentation." He faced the truth Cushman points to Yogi Desai as an example of a teacher who was able to break the pattern. Rather than continue to deny charges of sexual impropriety, Desai acknowledged his guilt, then resigned his position. Desai's acknowledgment of his transgressions made it possible for his students to begin the healing process. While members experienced grief at Desai's departure, the community continues to practice spiritual discipline.

The yogic teachings themselves, rather than the teacher, are now the focus of their devotion. Separating the teacher from the teachings may be one key to the continuity of a healthy spiritual relationship. Another emerging paradigm is the idea of engaging a spiritual counselor as a friend or companion on the path to enlightenment but not as the only source of wisdom. now the bereaved seem -j to be finding each other all over the world. I think there's a spiritual element i we're being guidpd outside of onrsplvps." Andrea Gambill, editor and publisher of Bereavement magazine Gambill founded Bereavement after her 17-year-old daughter died.

It carries articles about grief intervention as well as poems, tributes, stories and photos from the bereaved. A one-year subscription is $29; write or call Bereavement Publishing 8133 Telegraph Colorado Springs, CO 80920. Phone: (719) 282-1948. Calendar An ongoing support group for adults grieving from losses such as the death of a loved one, divorce," illness or other significant life changes begins today St. Alphonsus Catholic Church in Brooklyn Center.

Thej interfaith effort will include prayer, small-group discussion with volunteer facilitators, information 1 -sharing and learning to express grief creatively. From 4 to 6 p.m. Tuesdays (except July 4) through Aug. 29. No fee, but offerings will be accepted.

Call Margaret Dillon at 5664990 for more information. WOW II, Women on Weekends, an emotional health workshop for women, will be offered at 930 -am Saturday at Westminster Presbyterian Church, 12th St. and Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis. Guest speaker Merra Young will explain and lead participants in movements and forms of yoga to integrate mind, body and spirit. The Rev.

Margaret McCray-Worrall will talk about women's emotional health. Dress comfortably. The event closes with lunch. Workshop admission, free; lunch, $5. To register, call 332-3421, or register at the door.

Unity teacher Peg McGinley will conduct an Angel Workshop from 7 to 9 p.m. Friday and from 10 a.ra to, 330 p.m Saturday at Unity Center of Positive i Christianity in Woodbury. Participants will hear how angels can give loving guidance. A "love offering" is suggested, and participants should dress comfortably. Call Annette at 731 -5330 to register.

High school students are invited to "Conflict Resolution Youth Visions," a free two-week program exploring the use of various art forms in conflict resolution. Classes are from 10 am to 3 pm-June 12 to 23 at the Minnesota Museum of American Art School, 75 W. 5th St. (Landmark Center), St. Paul.

Performance day is June 23. Call 642-5371 for details. Visit Paul Granlund, sculptor in residence at Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter, and view his works during a tour June 16 through the 1 Cooperative Older Adult Ministry (COAM). Buses depart Bethel Lutheran Church in Minneapolis at 830 a.m.

and return about 4 p.m. The cost, $20 for a COAM member and $23 for others, includes lunch. Reservations accepted through Friday. Call 721-5786 for details. ed with the student's spiritual evolution can ascertain whether the necessary discipline and understanding has been achieved.

Yet for individualistic Westerners, the idea that spiritual progress can be attained by subjugating oneself to the teacher creates confusion especially if the possibility exists that the teacher might exploit a student's weaknesses. Ask tough questions Rather than throw out a model of spiritual transmission thousands of years old, Cushman suggests that students surrender their naivete and ask tough questions of the teacher What is his or her lifestyle? What is the teacher's effect upon the students and the community as a whole? But many spiritual leaders demand immediate devotion from students. Their disregard for students' doubts signals a potentially abusive situatioa And though there are many ways for a spiritual leader to abuse his or her power greed, authoritarianism or cruelty sexual misconduct is most destructive to the integrity of the student -teacher relationship. The causes of sexual abuse in MINDWORKS from El Some kids said the school year was marked by drama at home shimmered on the pages. Mike Thorud, 10, of Ramsey, won a blue ribbon at a science fair.

He wrote, "I've never won anything before. I was so excited, I forgot what a blue ribbon meant. Now both of my grandmas and grandpa want to see it. When our tax person, Rick, came, I showed him it, and he said, We need you in the tax business, so what do you I said, 'Sure, when I grow up Everyone who comes for my sister's birthday will probably want to see it." Jennifer Lindgren, 13, of St. Jo seph, summed it up this way: "Every person you pass on the road, every kid you go to school with, everyone that you live with.

They have all accomplished things in their lives. Even if they don't seem important to you, they are definitely important to that person." honest persoa "I've learned from my mom, who has multiple sclerosis, that no matter how many times things go wrong, you just get back up and keep on trying. I want my family to be proud of me and they are! To me, that's the greatest accomplishment of all." Refugee students wrote of learning to speak English and care for their families in an alien culture; shy kids described their battle to make their voices heard; teens in trouble with the law told of their attempts to turn their lives around. But whether the accomplishment was saving enough money to buy an iguana, building a computer or rejecting the entreaties of peers to drink, do drugs and join a gang, the young people's writing shared a common trait: Their pride in what they had accomplished practically got through it." Others survived leukemia, heart surgery, depression, epilepsy, anorexia and terrible accidents, while many coped with difficult circumstances such as living with a mentally ill parent or seriously handicapped sibling. Coping with death was key for those who had lost a loved one, a mother who killed herself, for instance, or a beloved grandpa dying too soon.

Several said they survived their parents' divorces, including Kristi Strandberg, 12, of Blooming-ton, who wrote, "Getting over my parents' divorce was my greatest accomplishment because it was hard. All of my family dreams and hopes were destroyed." A few described overcoming the challenges of moving; one had moved eight times in eight years and attended eight different schools. A handful wrote that their greatest accomplishment was simply staying alive in a society overrun with drugs, gangs and random violence. Some accomplishments were rooted in relationships. Kids wrote about learning to get along with siblings or developing better communication with parents or finally being able to talk to a stepdad who yells too much.

Many prided themselves on having best friends and overcoming petty quarrels. Teresa Rooney, 14, of Kensington, began visiting an 85-year-old nursing-home resident three years ago. She wrote, "I play cards with him every Tuesday after school. I enjoy every minute of it except when I lose. I am tempted sometimes to skip it, because of the weather or because I'm not in the mood, but I don't, and that's something I can be proud of.

I know that he trusts me to come, and that keeps me coming back week after week. "I'm glad I got to know him because if I hadn't, I would have missed out on a lot of good jokes, some good games of cribbage and having a surrogate grandpa. It's hard to reach out sometimes to get to know someone in a nursing home because you know that they could die anytime, but it is definitely worth it." Just being me Overcoming fears was a common accomplishment described by those who had defeated their anxiety about heights, the dark, bees, roller-coasters, speedboats, clowns and Dracula. One who had been bitten three times by dogs, and had had stitches as a result, vanquished her fear of dogs. Many said they couldn't have accomplished what they had without the help of parents, good teachers and friends.

Jamie McGuire, 18, of Gaylord, wrote, "I asked my mom what she thought my greatest accomplishment was and she said, 'Being After I thought about what she said, I realized she is right. I am graduating from high school, I am going on to school in the fall, I work hard at my job, I'm good at restoring equipment and pickup trucks, but most of all, I am a good, Some writers chose life-enhancing accomplishments such as learning to embroider, inline skate or play the tuba; others wrote about lif esav-ing achievements such as overcoming drug or alcohol addiction, performing the Heimlich maneuver on a choking sister, or talking a friend out of committing suicide. One fifth-grader believed he saved his mother's life by calling the police when her boyfriend was beating her severely. Scores focused on that quintessential rite of passage from little kid to big: learning to ride a bike without training wheels. They wrote about dads and moms puffing along beside or behind, hollering out words of encouragement.

For many, it was an accomplishment fraught with challenges. Megan Anderson, 9, of Shak-opee, wrote, "It was hard for me because I ran into five mailboxes, so I didn't have much confidence in myself." But all finally experienced that marvelous moment of liberatioa Andy Burkhardt, 11, of Hinckley, wrote, "It's a great feeling to ride a bike without anyone holding onto you, to make yourself move. It's kind of magical and amazing the first time your parent lets go. Feeling the wind blowing your hair, being a little speed demon. I still like to ride, but it's not as fun as the first time my dad let go." Academics and the arts Other accomplishments that made kids feel more grown up included learning to tie their shoes and blow bubble-gum bubbles, reading a chapter book, jumping off the high dive, building a tree fort, being confirmed, earning a driver's license, getting a first job.

Academic and artistic accomplishments were the focus of many who celebrated their inclusion on the A or honor roll or their stellar performances in violin and piano recitals. Winning or simply participating in spelling or geography bees, poster contests, speech competitions and science and invention fairs were mentioned by students of all ages with great satisfactioa One was the member of a team that earned a berth at the National History Day competition in Washington, D.C.; a couple had their poetry chosen for publication in national anthologies. Athletic feats also ranked highly with girls and boys who wrote about playing on championship teams, hitting a grand slam, getting a hat trick, winning a bull-riding event or dog-sled race. Some, wrote about the satisfaction they felt as they advanced in martial arts and weight lifting. Many wrote about their achievements in figure skating, dance and horseback-riding competitions.

Dozens experienced their greatest achievements earning merit badges and distinctions through the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts. Surviving difficulties Surviving difficult times was a common theme. Jon Gilbert, 13, of Bloomington, said his greatest accomplishment was "making it through my mom's battle with breast cancer a year-and-a-half ago. It tore my family apart for nearly a year I know how bad my mom and the rest of my family felt, and how we mm wm xmmm Lr Livl5 L3 TENNIS LESSON! Learn tennis. Call today to register for your FREE 90-minute tennis 1 835 pf Mill I mM lifrj FREE fENNIS LESSONS FOR ADULTS JUNIORS with a variety of times locations available.

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